I sat on the floor next to my livingroom table. My tiny hands placing the bananagram tiles, “I’m not going to go easy on you.” My babysitter leaned over placing her tiles. She had won. I sighed my 7 year old self defeated.
She smiled testing my skills. I stared at the board game cabinet. Scrabble, Yahtzee, Boggle. She wouldn’t go easy on me just because I was a child. I had to rank up or level up. I would play again and again. Soon after I would open a digital world of games.
Cartoon games I typed as my mothers accountant glanced at my PC screen. I would play escape games, cooking games, restaurant games. My memory would level up. I sat in the chair wanting to beat levels. I would play tycoon games. My family was known to be competitive about games.
My extended family would have games before supper or after. Usually a huge get together would include Canasta, scrabble, pickle ball, tennis. The realm of games stacked in my uncle’s closet.
I would soon learn my interest was in Video games. I began my journey with a “borrowed” DS player. The blue iconic machine. I would receive my first CD case of games my cousins would play. Nancy Drew was one of them, a point and click mystery.
Gaming would consume me. When I sat in front of the large TV at my Exs house playing Persona 5. I would grab a Capri Sun and just sit in the living room in the beach chair. Game for hours. A year later downloading it onto my laptop. I would continue my adventures with Genshin Impact, Persona5x, Neverness to Everness.
Gaming would shape me. Leaving an impossible mark to wash off. I could relax and chill away from most of my adult duties. (Within reason). I could press pause on my life and just be. Little Nightmares and soon Reanimal would take up space on my tiny laptop.
With my console missing I ached for the buttons. Tbh I almost broke the ps5 controller because I pressed so hard..ah. passionate? Maybe? Gaming taught me to grow myself.
I couldn’t level up until I had A, B and C. The basics to keep me healthy. I exited. Not yet. Not the right timing. I had worked my reality so that it could be possible to keep myself sustained. I put the best possible supports in place.
I would still gain insight. I would still gain lessons. My mind worked like that. Showing me all potential possibilities until one clicked. Possible but 70% doable in reality. Even no was like data for me.
I put down the controller, “gaming might bring you a partner?” I shook my head. That’s not the script I wrote. So then, ” what qualities would you bring to the table?” I paused, ” they will come.” My inner monologs fact checking at light speed.
I would move my eyes to the side replaying the conversation picking only the essentials, “it’s a possibility.” I had to make the decision to move. The part of my brain nit picked 2x times the speed to pick at reality. Simulating a version that was probable.
My mind would map it. Just like a video game map. I was good with directions like that. Storing maps and creating 3d models that I could see in my minds eye, “go left.”
“Wow impressive I’m not the best with directions.” They sighed trusting their GPS. It was fine. My inner world was a canvas running multiple simulations and maps. I would burn out soon. I held my thought.
The patterns I could see so clearly but not touch. In 4th grade I would begin Chess club. Learning on the floor I played a bit not caring where the pieces went at first. But slowly advancing. Online Scrabble was like that. Training my brain daily. The little games made me happy.
“You’re well read.” I had smiled. The date that I was with were entering the ice arena for a show. We sat as the tension grew. The Ice queen would appear with Kai. I explained to my date a little about the snow queen. Karen’s Red shoes would be next. I would make a mental note of it late to check up on that story.
We awkwardly walked around. Not strangers, not lovers. We had shared the same birthday. Walking around the cruise for a bit. Looking up at the stars. The game room. We would agree to play scrabble, ” you won by 3 points…ughh!”
Frustrated we finished the game. He had won. Internally I closed the memory. It would fade. I logged on to some of my games pulling gacha, ” please I want Lohen to come home.”
Lohen the new character from Genshin got my attention with his snide commentary. Realizing he was one of those characters I had to pull him. More of the design aspects of gaming pulled me in. As my wallet braced itself for digital pixels I bought. Nothing crazy but the new dress up game.
Of course there had to be a basket. For PRM. It stared at me hoping to purchase..I caved on a couple games. Gaming was my guilty pleasure. I could enter a world without causing chaos.
In reality I would get stared at. Others commenting the way I looked. I would hide myself behind games. I would hide my endless imagination behind a black hoodie and headphones.
In classes crushes would just laugh. Was I really not cut out for reality? I sighed picking up a pen and daydreaming in school. I couldn’t relate to any high schoolers my age back then. College was on their mind. I wasn’t dumb and knew the price. The price was steep and could reduce my stamina.
College? My mom inquired, “well you could go to community College.” I had hesitated. School I knew wasn’t for me. Why push something if I wasn’t passionate. Everyone wonders what College will accept you.
I had seemed much younger than my peers, “so are you a student or working or.” I was in a limbo phase. How could I be in college. I put down my phone and choose a path less traveled. No one had pushed me to do anything.
While the Christmas cards updated us on how cousins were my life was put on pause. No one saw that side of me where I made inventions, or created. Most family members watched others get married. A milestone.
“Well we weren’t invited to x wedding. Ah thats a shame. Another time?” I wasn’t offended. Most of my cousins were unaware of my predicament. Most had no milestone on me. Most of the path was a lie. The truth was you decided. Life could happen out of order if you wanted. Each small decision.
I had ran with the idea if I just started somewhere new I could breathe.
(Vacation post has been delayed. I haven’t felt the need to write it just yet.) Sorry loves. 💔
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