Hours

Hello Everyone, For those who don’t feel comfortable reading or continuing this blog post touches on my heartbreaks and crushes from a reflective viewpoint. I want this blog to be about who I’ve grown into. I’ve fallen hard, broken up and had my own emotional scars from the past. It hasn’t been easy falling in love. This is the deep dive into my experiences and stories. The unfiltered truth. As I fall in love with this blog I want to let you into my world a little.

The dull ache and throbbing in my head reminded me that a break was much needed. I had downloaded a game I knew I would love. Of course for the wrong reasons. I hesitated as I hovered over, “add to cart.” I had watched the gameplay and wanted to experience the thrill. I reminded myself to take breaks. The soda cans toppled on one another as I set the cool on to the pile. My controller buzzed as I was attacked. My advil glaring at me, “You aren’t young anymore take some for back pain.” I winced

I cursed, knowing the enemy would lunge and drag me. Franco Barbi had just caught me. The audible curses he threw. Internally I cursed , “I should have waited that out.” My head throbbed as I put aside my thoughts, “Just one more just clear the objective.” I’d never be a gamer. Considered it? No. I paused the game to get up, my hand holding my head. I had played some games with partners. My superpower was being stealthy. patiently waiting. My glasses helped with my headache, blocking out the blue light.

“I should clean..Ahhh.” Another wave of throbbing pain I whimpered. I grabbed onto the wall as I made my way to the kitchen. Soda became my weakness. I had added, “Dr.Pepper Strawberry & Cream” to my cart. I hesitated as I added it to the cart. I hadn’t figured out why my headache was so bad. It hit me, “Caffeine.” The withdrawal symptoms had paralyzed me with a headache.

I glanced at the fridge of soda. Seriously no. No more and then I grabbed a root beer. In my dark room I started up, “The Outlast Trials.” Partners had teamed up with me before to play Call of Duty. I had realized my strengths I could be invisible with night vision. Barely beginning the trial I had paused, returning to face the screen that claimed an F. Mhm, an F but that didn’t represented what I gained.

In the first trial I would be scared and panic in the second one I would stock up early and hoard helpful items in the dark. I learned the map slowly making mental notes. I hesitated as my mind flipped. A skill I was good at? I would take Forensics and Anatomy classes in High School being the group leader for my team we all went to our, “Crime Scene.” Everyone was thrilled to take part as they pushed and shoved. The class went silent as someone grabbed the soda can without using gloves. We collectively winced as the evidence was wiped.. of course it was a mock crime scene no harm done. The chain of evidence was technically broken..I don’t know if I had faith in our group assignment. I held my notebook close as I looked at each yellow marker for clues. Today was the cafeteria with some fake blood splattered. We had learned about blood spray patterns.

I would ask myself if this was a career path I wanted to go onto. Shortly applying to a course in Forensic Entomology. I dropped out shortly after as the panic attacks would begin from home life. We had studied the decay of pig heads and each decayed stage. Gross I know. As I pulled back layers of my memory I discovered emotionally my mental health mattered so much more. I had stepped away from acedemics. College isn’t for everyone, It doesn’t define who you are.

I had to face my truth could I exist in an academic environment meant for students? No. I turned away from the building as I saw my ex walk down the stairs. I nearly choked. I quickly got on the bus.

My elementary school crush was on a cute guy in my class. I had written love letters confessing my love. My friend Cass sat on the floor of her playroom as I used up the envelopes, “I’m really in love with him.” Seven or eight year old wrote in big letters, ” I love you.” The envelope was sealed and put in my bag. Cass was over it. Every playdate I’d confess write what I loved about him. The version I so badly wanted to be true. Did he love me?

“I’m not in love with you!” My journal was thrown at me in a fit of denial, “But I really like you.” I stated. His words would taunt me for the rest of my childhood. I didn’t know about the social norms yet and discovered I really liked a girl in my class, Anya. Anya had brown hair and brown eyes adopted from Russia, her sibling Zhenya was also my crush. I would fall hard, the idea of love. I was only 10. My sleepover with her confirmed my feelings. Nothing was said out loud I just blushed at the thought of liking her. My equivalent to liking was my Love. As a kid liking her meant being her friend forvever. But it went much deeper than that.

I looked towards Anya wondering what the messy emotions meant. I paused to ask Anya if it was okay. She handed me a towel and told me to use the other shower. Two showers in the bathroom? Her father was the head of a grocery chain. I hadn’t connected the dots, “We can shower at the same time. It’s okay.” Anya mentioned as she changed. I turned away and changed.

I would block the memory from existing until my crush Yulia. Each crush would be a reminder. We had met at an adoption group. Her wavy hair, her laugh pulled me in.

Yulia my ex friend her blonde hair her quirky smile. We had had a situationship? ah not something i’m proud of but I really loved her. I attach deeply to people I meet and care about. The feelings were mutual until she found someone. Erased from my past as she reached out saying things weren’t going well with him. The faint memory of her lingered as the pain struck me. Our families got along. We had been in an adoption group together. That’s how we met.

I would come to understand many had crushes on me in group settings it would lead to a cautious side. As the van took us to the mountains me and Yulia talked. Her temper had an edge to it but she was honest. I would hold her hand and sit on the swings when I saw her tears fall, “Yulia I’m sorry. I understand family can be so annoying.” She was trapped in a world where her words weren’t heard. The snowy distance as the cold air melted between us. I hesitated as we just sat there akwardly. I blushed knowing she made me feel comfortable. Love? love between us? I hesitated as the memory became cold snow. She would invite me to the lake cabin as we watched movies and laughed so hard, “Shut UP!!” she laughed, “No you Shut UP!!” We laughed so hard as she teased me. We would laugh and stay up.

We would re enact scenes from funny movies. I fell in love with her slowly, “I’ll never teach you how to kiss.” I sighed as we fighted. As the memory faded as the mountain with a small camp merged into an outdoor activity space. Yulia and I were inseperable, “So you like her?” Natalia asked. She was quirky and was understanding. She sat on her bunk as she listened, “She’s just my friend.” I hesitated. We had kissed. I couldn’t deny my feelings for her. “Yulia I..”

She smiled. I’d never say it outloud. I’d never say I love you. I knew Yulia wasn’t a morning person. I’d secretly hoped we could be on the same team for group. One day I received a notification, “new follower on Wattpad.” Yulia..We would joke about Attack on Titan, “ERENN.” She would be Eren and I’d be Levi. As the days got shorter and we grew up and we parted. Boyfriend troubles..I hesitated. I couldn’t be there for her. When I was the one that loved her.

I had driven to her home and waited one day but she woke up late, “Hey you said I could come over.” She yawned, “Yeah um in 15 minutes I need to get to work sorry.” I had waited 2 hours for her. I was pissed but turned away, Not cool Yulia it was a 35 min drive here 2 hours of me waiting. I drove home broken hearted. My time wasn’t valued. I had to let go of the memories.

Love a concept…I had dated a cosplayer a while back. He was my everything at the time. We had met randomly. His stage name a famous cosplayer. I would stay up late nights waiting for us to text, ” Woo? How was your day?” We would text until the sun rose. His wavy hair and brown eyes, “I had a long day Sukoshi.” He was adorable and quirky. The day we called I heard him talk. I wanted to be with him, make plans with him, “I want to cosplay with you Woo wouldn’t that be fun?” His voice wavered. Burnt out from his modeling career he sighed saying it wasn’t all that. I internally kicked myself. Woo didn’t want to be looked at like that. I recoiled, “I mean we don’t have to cosplay together Woo it was just an idea you know.” Days would pass as communication became less. I looked up to him as my Victor. Victor from Yuri on Ice. He showed me a photo of a blue ring, “Sukoshi I’d like you to have this.” I blushed responding, “Thats’s so sweet Woo.” I smiled. I opened up my Diary,

“November 23 2018

I love Woo and no one can replace them. Woo is my life partner. My best friend my soulmate.

November 30th 2018

“Hopefully i’ll see Woo during their break. So cute XD. I love them and I couldn’t be any happier. I saw some cute PJs at Walmart and I think I wanna get a matching pair with Woo.”

Was it real? Were my feelings real? I woke up to find I was blocked. I couldn’t respond. I had waited a half a year. Lost and vunerable I had choosen people who didn’t value me. I was done waiting for others. Silas my recent Ex reminded me I couln’t wait on anyone. I would walk into the livingroom seeing him on the couch, “Can we go to the mall or go out?” His eyes were glued to the screen, ” Sorry I can’t I have college work.” Defeated I sulked back to the room closing the door. I stared up at the ceiling, “When.” Days would consume me. Valentine’s day would be a tear jerker.

I was given a rose from PF Changs as we sat waiting for a table. A meal spent fighting. My Eyes glazed over as I ate my chicken, “Let’s split the bill.” I nearly choked. It was Valentines day. My pent up frustration, ” O..okay.” The ride was silent home. I would never admit to crying in front as I turned to blink fast. Silas a core memory we had met over a random chat site, “I love you too babe. I’ll love you no matter what.” The reality came crashing down as promises were buried.

I would jump to a timeline where Faye my ex invited me to a group date. He had bought me a cute choker. I wore it proudly not seeing the hidden meaning. I hesitated, “A group date Faye?” He nodded grabbing his coat we hurried to catch the bus. I had taken a selfie with him in town. a frozen memory him leaning next to me with my new “Choker” (If you know you know) My glasses fogged up as I took a photo. We met the other couple as they sat talking about college life. I looked to the side I was embaressed I had just moved in with him. We had just started dating, I introduced myself “Hi my name is Yumeji.” The couple smiled bonding over what to get, “This dish looks good let’s get it. maybe movie night later babe.” What. I’m sorry what. I looked to the side but Faye didn’t see phased. I honestly didn’t want to eat the lovebirds were killing my appetite, “Hey um thanks for inviting me but I’m gonna head out.” I stood up and left. Faye scowled, “I’m so sorry about my partner, talk later.” He got up as I stood at the bus station waiting hoping to leave before he got to me. I secretly wished his wouldn’t run after me, “Babe whats wrong.” I hesitated, “It’s fine Faye I’m going home. You can stay with them.” Faye hesitated. He had “raised” me to eat with him at restaurants, ” come on lets go out i’ll treat.” I came with him where ever he wanted. “I raised you better to stay at the table and eat with me.” I wondered if he thought this. I looked to the side. I wasn’t hungry, “Faye I’m not hungry.” I was trapped between my life. I had agreed to his terms. He came home tired from school, “Faye how was work?” He sighed, “I’m gonna go game with friends okay. I’ll be home later.” He shut the door and scurried to the bus. I was left to my own devices. Mira our roomate hated dishes in the open so I would wash the dishes and bring them into our room. I decided to climb out the window of the apartment and head to Cumberland Farms. The neon glow in the darkness grew close. I passed the kids swings. everything was engulfed in the dark. My late night runs became frequent, “Just these please.” I gave the cashier my two cold sandwiches I had picked out. I would walk home in the dark and climb through the window to my nonexistent partner.

Trigger warning – light mention of SA below

I would begin dissociating when a new partner came along. Sitting with a potential friend to talk shortly having my head be held there so I couldn’t move. I couldn’t escape my thoughts I ran from. A partner, a friend all of them blurred. As feelings for me were projected into a domain I could no longer control, “I don’t wanna cross the line with you.” She held me comforted me as her words no longer matched her actions. I would slowly succumb to shutting a door forever.

I had logged out of my memory map of exes friends weird situations. “Outlast trials” would calm the storm inside me. I would become much stronger. I didn’t need a partner for me. I had always been my own partner.

I had recently bought my own waxing kit. I had never really bothered to wax, I was unfamilar with the concept. At the salon I would usually get my eye brows done. But it was the little thinks that irked me, facial hair. I wanted a self care routine that fit me. I ordered it and added the glittery hot pink wax to my cart. The next day it arrived in a paper bag. I ran into the Amazon delivery as the photos of packages were taken. I had opened up the box the wax warmer, 2 silicone liners and sticks, tweezers kit and the waxing beads. I had begun my adventure deciding which was too warm, too cold, too hot. I smiled as I blasted my headphones with Russian pop and music I adored, “Try me. to all the times I didn’t value myself. I don’t need a Boyfriend, I am the Boyfriend.” I smiled as I waxed my legs.

A memory popped up. I was In my hometown as I chatted online with my friend, “If you get a neck piercing I’m not taking to you.” They had revealed their true feelings. It was my Birthday I went with my “Friend” Amy. Amy had gone with me to get her ears pierced. We sat upstairs as the magazines sat on the table. Moms with teens getting piercings, friends getting them. I was there for my own indulgence, “So what are you getting?” I was nervous, “I’m getting my neck pierced.” She nodded saying cool. I was up next the adrenaline coursing through me. A kind individual asked me to lay down. I did as they began the procedure. I would be getting two sub dermals. The pain was interesting, like being stapled with a staple gun and having it yanked out to only be stapled back in. I looked in the mirror as they decorated my bandages.

I remembered my first appointment to have laser hair removal. It was a decision I came to when I was unhappy with the way I looked. My mother had made some calls and took me. The consult was quick and I had decided to go through with it. I had wanted my my upper lip hair removed. The procedure was um. “Memorable” I had sessions where I needed to go back, I felt locked in a decision I’d never wish on anyone. The burning hairs scorched my memory. I had glasses on as the laser did most of the work I braced myself as the laser zapped individual hairs. I winced bracing holding the chair for dear life.

As my mind settled I could see the depth, each memory put onto a tape for me to rewatch. Only I’d know the story. I wandered back to the thought of buying more wax. I wanted to celebrate the small steps. I would pull tarot cards to reveal another truth another pattern. My soapy deck waited for me as I revealed each card. My eyes glimmered as there was hope, my 48th try. A partner, one who stood by me saw me for me and understood my depths to the end. A fairytale wish? I logged out for the night as I closed my chapter.