Empty

Thoughts raced through my mind as I hopped into the chat. How I spent 5hrs with a stranger on call. *looks to the side* It’s not what you think it is. I answered the call and picked up. We both agreed to keep our mics on silent. We began watching some BL I had agreed to pal around and watch an episode or two. I blushed as it began. The user Em texted, ” Just so you know it’s a little dark.” I hesitated.

What kind of dark. I asked them to clarify, ” What kind of dark stuff.” They had breifed me that they read the manga and loved it so. I went along with it. Each episode was a half an hour give or take. They sent me a quick message, “Uh so one of the main characters has a past with prostitution.” That kind of dark.. I was thinking mafia dark gore themed. I smiled and typed,” Thanks for giving me the heads up I appriciate it.”

At least they seemed considerate. I asked I could turn on my mic I couldn’t tell but I talked commenting on it. Was I wrong? What was I supposed to do. I laid down on my bed and watched. Was it normal for others to watch BL together? I checked the time 3:00 am. From what I had seen it felt empty. I asked a question, “I’m thinking alot about how Keito grew up. How the mother character leaves him to work. How maya conditioned him…” Did em think I was weird for over analyzing. I silently held my plush toy.

To give some backstory the BL we watched was slice of life mundane. The main characters were Keito and Chihiro. It was only when I realized the plastic necklace locket caught my attention. Keito doesn’t love chihiro. How I would feel after being used. The same wound bloomed. I kept it to myself. I saw Chihiro as a part of what i’ve been through.

” Well thanks for chatting I had fun. I’m gonna go to bed now.” Em said as they hung up messaging me again. Did..did they not care who it was with. I hung up and silently cried.

Did the BL trigger me even worse? A partner to watch bl with? I looked to the side as tears streamed down my face. Again again again. repeat. I thought I walked away from…

We called again another time but I didn’t talk that time. I had gone silent. Was I happy..was I sad? Was I having fun? Em asked me,” What song did you like.” I had mentioned two of the songs that I liked from Marich. Was it fun? After the call I deleted my account. No response from them 3 days. Maybe they got busy? * Sigh I scrolled to look at my messages no one had asked me if I was okay.

I deleted the account. I blinked as I remembered how many times I called Cass to hang out. Cass my childhood friend would never call me. We did what she wanted. Was it better this way? Which friend.

I had pulled at my memory and found a wound that split. I had been invited to a coworkers party as a date.

I tapped my phone on my thigh as I walked. I was walking on the bike path when I stopped to stare at the trees. The sunlight was dreamy, a summer day. I was meeting a date today. J was a cute guy, kinda quirky. My phone buzzed, ” Its cool i’m just in my car.” I had scheduled the date for 2. But he was there 2 hours early. I hated making others wait. I walked under the bridge towards the little town.

I waved out of breath, ” J sorry I’m late.” He smiled, “No worries I got here early.” So what to do. Usually dates and I. We would do what they wanted. I smiled blushing my usual friendly demeanor, ” We could get bubble tea.” The bubble tea was tucked behind some shops. We didn’t hold hands but I followed. I promised I’d never initiate. Warm tea and cold glasses of boba. The sweet smell lingered.

J had some piercings and green eyes to match, ” I’ll buy my own it’s fine.” Dates wouldn’t pay for my food unless it was arranged. J had worked in a clinic for lgbtq non binary individuals helping them transition. My red bean sugar boba sealed froze my hand. I chucked as we talked. I noticed a couple argue, “What would you like to do.” We decided to go into the shops. Away from the crowds we chatted. I knew I was going to a con and had invited him. Should I have? Was I that lonely. He decided later he wouldn’t.

The texting back and fourth was fine until he invited me to his coworker party. That night at the mall I was afraid to drive in the rain. I was parked in the mall plugging in my phone for music. I had driven up the usual hill but pulled over, ” Can I just call you J?” We agreed he would stay on the line until I was ready to drive again. J texted, “Sorry I could have driven you home.” I shook my head. As I got onto the road I made it home on time.

“Hey come to the coworkers party with me.” My eyes lit up. Me and J would go and maybe it would be fun. I hated attending parties. But if it was him maybe, “J what time is the party at?” He responded, “6ish 7.” We had agreed to meet. I parked on the side and turned off the headlights. I got out of the car and waved at J….oh and his friend. I looked to the side as I walked up, “Hey J and Stephanie!” I tucked my black fur coat around me. I walked behind them as they held hands.

I was a little nervous but surely it couldn’t be bad. I walked faster to catch up with the two. Stephanie had black hair and glasses. I entered throught the back yard. Friends families and kids were there. The bonfire roared. I walked towards the bonfire as J sat with me. I sat for a bit holding my coat it was wintertime. The flames flickered as I was enchanced by the smoke.

“Hey uh Yumeji theres some food if you want, you good.” I nodded, “Yeah J i’m cool.” I couldn’t tell if he could read me. I looked at the other couples kissing and making out glancing and averting my eyes. Why did I come? Why was I here. Why did J…I turned around to see everyone laughing. Buddy buddy huh. Stephanie and J would make a cute couple I thought. I got up a little bit restless to check out the other activites.

The food looked unapatizing. A few trays of what could be considered mush to make your own burrito. I looked away to see someone doing free tarot reads. I put my name on the board. Sure why not lets test my fate. I had always been an avid fan / into tarot and other stuff. Trust me Leann at the crystal shop knew my name. First last and my number.

Leann had welcomes me countless of times to the crystal shop hidden in a basement of an older office. The air hit me with sage as I walked through the door, “Hey I know i’m early for my reiki session today.” Leann smiled, ” Rita will be right with you.” Honestly I started doing reiki frequently since the apartment I lived in killed my vibe. It was usually my back that held alot. I would lay on the table as Rita put on some soothing music. I’m not saying I had visions or anything like that.

But I could see myself walking through a monestary through a tunnel as the music played. I could feel the “Energy” If that’s what your asking. Did it help? Was it a scam? Ha believe what you want but it made me feel better. The scene from howls moving castle where Howl is dripping with slime. Yeah it was heavy the energy was so heavy I needed someone to clear it.

I didn’t know why I just knew I had too. Anyhow back to the story. I had signed the clipboard and walked up the steps on the porch. I sat down as I asked if love was in my life. Shuffled and pulled the cards as usual, “I don’t see love I see more work and moving towards success.” I sat with it thanking her. Usually readings could vary. In the past I had been to many tarot readers. More for guidance if anything. Nothing too “Out there.” I walked down the steps to see J drinking.

J and stephanie drinking. Pals, “Hey yumeji did you get something to eat yet.” I shook my head. He turned his back on me and chatted loudly with Stephanie his best friend arm around her. I walked out. I left the party closed the gate went back to my car. I drove home in silence. A party?

He texted me later, ” Did you leave the party.” It had been 3 hrs since I left so. He hadn’t bothered to. Yes while it could be seen as rude. I also thought it was rude to invite me and not tell me you brought a friend. All while drinking and not looking after me. I was the date..or was I. I hissed as I shut my phone off. It was over.

When did it get this bad? I chewed at my plush blanket as I cried. I was in my apartment present day crying about the way Em had been. Why.. I blinked. All of it. I curled up. I shopped online a bit and found a cute choker. A choker that had a chain with a pink heart on it. I added it to my cart.

I wasn’t the type to acessorize. I really didn’t think I’d enjoy it as much as I liked. Shopping I browsed some listings finding Luka merch from Alien stage. Partners would buy me gifts sometimes. little plush toys. I liked plush toys especially my Jinbesan whale plush. He was soft and hugable. How much pain, How much. I drifted off to sleep again.