hurt

I sighed as I let the notification sit. I had been banned from a group. The tears that followed were from frustration. No reason given. I sighed as I let the aches come. My heart felt heavy as I cried. People would tell me to not take it personally. But how I could I…everytime I tried to connect with others the connection broke. A dance between players a psychological dance I would never win. Leading up to the event was a calm chat I had told some personal things. But I was respectful. I sighed as my body felt heavy every punch every word had tore my mind to shreds again.

“I tried.” As I looked at the wall. What did I expect. No really what did I expect. I could imagine a fatherly figures hard reaching out, “Try again.” I put my phone down. I would stare into the void. I don’t want to. I don’t want to try to connect. I’m afraid of others. What if they think i’m weird.

My younger childhood self trying to get along with others. Fragmented..how to connect with others. I sighed as I wanted to belong on the playground, “Would you like to play today?” They shook their head saying they had other friends. I waved as they zoomed past. I would go into the pretend wooden home and sit until recess was over. Maybe tomorrow they would come and play? I held onto the hope as I went home. Friends maybe.

A playdate with Eren. We would sit and color from printed pages as we listened to audiobooks and fairy tales. Erens mother would make us deviled eggs sometimes. Eren would teach me all about his stop motion videos for youtube. I would lay on the rug and smile as the pencil scribbled on the page. It was just us. Erens smiled as he set up the laptop, “Like this you gotta take each photo.” He was into stop motion claymation. Laptops were the rage. His hands practiced the violin as I watched. I couldn’t compare. I had texted Eren after I had moved years later, “No I don’t remember doing that. Sorry I don’t remember you.” I sighed hanging up.

We had attended the same class as we sat. The instructor showed us and we followed along . Book 1 with the CD. I smiled as I began. That smile warped into frusteration at home. I had come home from school as my case sat in the corner. My mother had paid for viola lessons. She had sighed, “Practice makes perfect.” I looked back, “I don’t wanna take anymore lessons.” It had become a fight. I didn’t I wanted to stop. I yelled, ” I hate this! I’m not even good at it. He’s better. I hate it!” In a furry I had broken the bow. My mother looked at me as she walked out of the house to take a break.

“Everyones better than me.” I thought as I watched kids succeed. Who got the most stickers in their journal, who could play twinkle twinkle on the viola. No one had taken the time to look at my painful display, “Don’t take it personal.” I looked up as others smiled. I hated practicing. I wanted to fit in so badly but at what cost. I was taken to the guidance counselors for lunch sometimes and we would talk.

He leaned over the desk to hand me napkins, “How’s school?” I looked up at all the games he had, “You have so many games in here Mr.Kyle.” I looked at my tray. I loved Fridays with hot dogs, chocolate milk and baked beans. Mr.Kyle would talk but his voice faded sometimes. The pen would write me a pass to get to class, “I’m here to talk okay yumeji?” Did he know how much I went through. I looked back smiling, ” okay thanks.” He tried to make time for me to have lunch with him. I was 7 or 8? The meetings wouldn’t be long and we chatted about the upcoming weekend.

I would be the last person to see Mr.Kyle who knew him. The memory faded as I drove by my high school. I had looked both ways and turned onto the road making a left turn. I drove with the window down I could hear some commotion and sirens headed to where I had just been, “A busy day.” I thought to myself as I drove home. I had barely gotten home as I heard my mother. The next day was a blur as we got the information Mr.Kyle had been hit by a car while riding a bike. That could have been… But I didn’t say it. Someone didn’t want me to see that tragic ending. I sat in my room and grieved for the person he was. He had helped me as a student and later as a teen I went to his home to hang out. He had moved since elementary school close by my home town.

A few weeks later a white bike was put up. I had comforted loved ones but the ache still hurt as brutal as it does today. I sighed as the memories surfaced and closed like a book. I wanted to fit in. I went out of my comfort zone to be in groups only to be shutdown. Keep trying. Even if it hurts keep trying? My mind went blank as the pain from the ban stung. I’m afraid of others. I laid against my pillow. It wasn’t about the ban. It was what it represented. The amount of time i’ve lost a losing battle.

I turned on the faucet to take a bath. I had been sad, upset and understanding. Another chapter written. I had sunk in the bath drenched in water. Hot water would help me relax. As my thoughts managed to untangle, “I’m fine. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with it before.” I sighed as I laid in bed. I managed to clean up a bit. I sat in silence as a memory replayed.

Note: Don’t worry guys i’m just gonna take some time to relax and take it easy. I hope this week you’ve relaxed.