I wanted to do a little creative writing today. 💗 hopefully I can do more short stories / poetry. I used to join small writing groups and I had a creative writing class. Most of it was felt with silence. It was akward for me to speak my stories into existence. I would always look to the side knowing maybe what I said wasn’t understandable. I still want to share my love for creative writing. here is a little time capsule of my own memories.
My feet echoed as the bell rang. The third floor my destination, the last class. I had forgotten my homework as I always did. My gaze shifted as I put down my bag next to the desk. Creative writing prompt on the white board. I had written a poem, I raised my hand meekly, ” I have a poem to share with the class. ” She nodded as I rustled the papers from my binder. Notebook paper lashed out and rebelled against my own words, ” t..this is my poem called Palace of judgement.” ( maybe I shouldn’t read this.) I took a deep breath and began, “Glass mirrors rebel against my fists. Dancing among the puppets in this maze of defeated kings. Everlasting rain stains my heart with painful secrecy. Reflections of emotions gaze in my direction. Tears that fall from the heavens pierce through my soul. I am not alone to hold the world. The world holds me alone to bear the screams of inner darkness. Paper hearts ripped above my distant mind. Windows into the sea swallow cascading Judgment. My reflection embodies power of the Earth that grounds me. Captivated by the night sky I am one with my reflection. Floors of jade echo.”I stare blankly at the page. (omg so akward. I’m pretty sure people others weren’t listening.) my smile shifted the utter silence alone was painful. The teacher hesitated for a split second, “Interesting imagary does the class have and feedback?” I looked up to see the hollow faces, ” I think it was cool.” I laughed a bit internally. (Cool? yeah um maybe next time I just won’t share.) I responded with a, “Thank you.” class was over before I knew it. I shoved the poem into my chaotic bag. The fluorescent lights made me question If I should speak up again. Walking home blasting my music from Ghost Town and Icon for Hire. It was springtime before I would graduate. Graduation a realistic goal for a student like me. I had switched so many schools, and my name changed. I walked on the road towards my chaotic destiny. As it rained I was reminded of a brutal truth. I could not rewind the moments.
Writing has always been a love hate relationship. I enjoyed it and found ways to write regularly during school. I would journal moments. Dedicating a journal to my life knowing my inner child stopped writing at 7. I joined writing groups but it was akward for me. During my school years I would be encouraged to join the spotlight, where I did Open Mics. Before I was a YouTuber, I was encouraged to find my voice. That meant being able to speak to my audience and getting comfortable on stage. Doing silly dances and reading out loud. (Honestly, I have no clue why I picked it but it helped my stage fright.)
That school was full of contradictions. I wasn’t allowed to take many performing arts classes. Eventually I would get to do improv acting. I smiled knowing 2 out of my acedemic classes were at least performing arts classes. My carpool friends one of them was starting Youtube and seemed dedicated to the career. This school would be the 2nd out of 4. I would transfer school and have my name rewritten. A youtuber? mhm I became a youtuber.
In my earlier years I would take theater camp. I was pretty sure I never practiced my lines. I would highlight my lines but then it would become exhausting. Summer was meant to be fun. I enjoyed theater camp. My life if anything has been full of memories where I can replay the last scene. I can pause and restart. I would go to art camps. It helped me to understand that art would never leave me. I could easily create and nurture small talents I had. Sometimes I wouldn’t engage with any given talent.
Mhm its just a talent? ah no thats not what I meant, I’m not that good. In most cases I would dim my light. In most cases it wouldn’t work, ” wow you can get up on stage?” something like that. I would nod and say something brief. From a young age I would be encouraged to try and instrument. The viola. Other kids wanted to learn. I would try to learn the music but I didnt understand that I was able to improvise on the piano. I would get mad at the idea of. “Practice makes perfect.” It was ingrained into my soul, “But I don’t want to do this. why can’t I quit. I hate lessons.” My mother annoyed. My inner child screamed internally for no structure. (tbh there was more personal life at play) two of my classmates had become praised by the very thing I hated. Why couldn’t I also succeed?
It had been a painful awakening when I decided I wanted to improvise a piano piece for a rehearsal on the fly, “why not. sure i’ll compose a piece I cannot recreate in front of 50 plus people. What’s the worst that could happen.” Returning to a time in my life where I understood that I was different from the rest. I smiled and continued, “How did you do that it was so melodic and not like any other piece.” I smiled sheepishly, “Thanks but it was nothing. I’m glad you enjoyed it .” Half of my life I had been trained into, “This is what A plus looks like, perfection makes perfect.”
Somehow, I managed to do it flawlessly. Of course my talents had quirks nothing is perfect. I would dim my light so much. Out of habit I suppose. But the thought of sharing my experiences with the world about what I went though is priceless. I am still understanding my talents sometimes I will just sleep it off. Another day. The realization hit me, why couldn’t I share my knowledge for others. My youtube is a reflection of who I am. As silly as it might be I enjoying sharing. These are some of my latest thoughts. I was going to write a story but I got sidetracked as usual. Enjoy this snippet from my life. I have been In a very reflective point in my life. The more I open up it will let me be more creative with these prompts. So far I’ve been excited to write. Stay tuned for more.
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