Youtube journey

Today I got a lovely little package in the mail. For my Birthday I had requested the DJI osmo pocket 3. I had researched extensively. From going over vlogs other creators had posted and their experience. Travel vlogging? A different domain than my usual content. But it could be and interesting.

I viewed the product a few times. My cursor over the add to cart. I sighed doubtful. This purchase could help my content? Maybe even help me showcase the way I view my world? Youtube has always been my creative outlet,

“Just buy it. It’s not a loss if you can share memories with others.” I sat there viewing the vlogs of the unboxing. Tearing open the packaging and showcasing the delicate camera. I quickly purchase knowing it was on sale. My vivid portfolio coming to life.

The way I film is usually with my phone camera but it would take two hands to film horizontal. While I could film vertically I often found myself struggling to edit. A practical purchase? An investment in my career? My career? I hesitated flinching at the word, “career.”

“You use your phone for photography. That’s not even real photography.” I looked to the side. I noded, ” your right.” I hesitated to answer, “I’m bad at photography actually I’m just a beginner.” The line that stole my truth. But in the end we parted ways.

“What would you like to be when you grow up?” My inner child winced as I took and instinctive step back, ” I..I dont know what I wanna be when I grow up.” The akward silence cut through expectations.

“Go to college get a diploma you’ll turn out all right.” I knew the path ahead could become my downfall if I let it swallow me. Owing thousands for a career that was not guaranteed. I spoke, ” college isn’t for me.”

I would take an intensive summer camp for fashion design at a local college. Paired with a creative outlet and summer games. The college let us stay in dorms and attend specific classes. Each day we would talk about fashion design. What made a Brand a Brand? Eventually grouping into teams and working on our own brand.

I chuckle when I look back at the drafts I had written. We had created swimwear. I sketched a couple designs but it never translated into the PowerPoint. The basic PowerPoint nothing fancy. My mouse hovered over the images we compiled for research. I had pretended to do work. (Don’t worry haha I did work in the end.)  But imagined a Brand that wasn’t written on paper. (Yet)

For once I was motivated to go to college. But then life shifted announcing that the college would not continue. I sighed as thought I had lost my goal. But my goal was much bigger.

I stared out the onto the cemetery passing a local grocery store. Seven year old me knew I’d be famous. But I covered my mouth. A secret. I’d be famous one day. I looked to the side uncomfortable with the fact. Most of the time everyone would ask, ” what would you do if you became a millionaire?” The answers from others would range from a Mansion to becoming popular. The oddball one being having tons of cats or dogs. The thought crossed my mind like a dull hum and I would answer, “If I became a millionare I would go to the beach and buy a soft serve ice cream cone.”

Others had looked at me as if I was joking. The funny part was I wasn’t, ” you must be joking? You could wish for anything with millions even billions.” I noded and responded, ” I just want ice cream. On a sunny day.”

My young mind couldn’t wrap my mind around the concept. I wanted a peaceful life. Not millions of numbers in my account.

I had opened the package for my new camera excited and hopeful. Mentally I did a face palm. I hestitated, ” oh a mini sd card…ah I see.” An easy fix met with the understanding of why it was on sale. I smiled, a very vital detail. I was hopeful that it would come in a few days with the other acessories.

Youtube has been my go to for music. My everything. My channel was born in my small studio. A spark of inspiration to do my very first, “whats in my bag.” I was far from becoming confident. I struggled to talk.

Youtube music acess to other creative outlets. The music I listened to would range. From kpop to Russian pop to French pop. Even Italian. Every song hit me emotionally and dulled the ache I felt for being different. Through my heartbreaks to breakups to friendships. Every song carried a time period in my life.

I had made a playlist for others to listen to. A version of me in musical form. My essence in a small playlist listed, ” hidden gems.” All my emotions in one small click.

My youtube creation my mini project. I wanted to dedicate it to the world. Combining my knowledge from youtuber tips I formed a small channel. I also began my very first blog. I wanted it to be elegant. I ended up combining Canva and my written work. (I hope I still have my original post?)

In the end I made something too complex that went over my head, “wait but how do I link this?” In the end I scratched it off my list. I wanted to begin again.

Youtube gave me a side hobby. A side quest. As for the main quest? No right answer. How could I make a coherent reflection of who I was becoming? I had known early that I wanted to make a channel without drama or chaos. I decided to invest in epidemic sound for songs for my long-form content. It would save me the headache of copyright. I found myself browsing songs that matched my content.

I believed in myself. Sitting in the dentist chair I quietly mentioned I did content creation, ” content creation. That’s what I do.” Stating a fact that barely became a whisper. The dentist smiled asking how others made videos and content, ” that seems so hard. I could never do that.” I chuckled, “neither could I haha.”

My self doubt would resurface. My hidden barrier, ” Ah no It’s just a hobby nothing serious.” Was it a respected title I had earned? I had been at it for years. And yet the nudge to dim my light grew.

I ended up checking out of the dentist making sure to grab some stickers. The sole reason I came. (Haha jk). I reminded to a memory where I was at a family gathering.

My step grandmother the respected side of the family. Her lipstick stained my words, “when will you go to college or move out? Your lucky you don’t pay rent yet.”

I was in the middle of watching my cousins. Watching the Lego movie with them, ” Ah I don’t actually know. I might go to college.” I could hear the hiss as she pursed her lips. She turned and walked away.

“Such audacity. Not educated what a waste.” I could predict her inner monolog. The quiet moment that reshaped my feelings, the dull ache that I wouldn’t be accepted for a diploma that may or may not shape me.

I smiled laughing enduring the brutal side comment. I had others that relied on me to take care of my cousins, ” look at this, isn’t it cool? This kind of looks like a chicken.” I smiled engaging my cousins with quick banter.

The family stared at the takeout food unamused. Expectations served on a platter. Youtube saved my inner passion. There was no right answer or path to take to be myself.

With that being said. Thank you to everyone who has watched my content, been inspired to chase creativity. I owe it to my silent fans and viewers. Some have you have inspired me to grow as a creator. As the channel grows I hope I can upgrade my youtube setup. Make memories with me.