Pastels

I revisited my local McDonald’s for the breakfast. Trying to get into a routine. I couldn’t help but enjoy the syrup and the fluffy eggs. They had packed my order with sausage instead of bacon. But I wasn’t in the mood to argue.  I had wondered what I would do today. Hopefully be productive.

My mood has been improving ever since I told everyone I was moving and going on vacation. Away from my lifetime of playing the role of family manager. Most information would go through me. I was likely to know small answers. But it varied on a day to day basis.

“When’s mom coming home from her trip?” ” when are you going on vacation again?” “When was that scheduled?”

Today I ended up going to the mall to get last-minute vacation stuff. Driving on the highway towards the mall. Away from the chaos at home. My mom lived near me and I wanted my freedom today to get errands done. I had decided to confirm a few things. Making sure my internet services would be stopped. Internally I had hoped it would be a quick chat. I ended up scoring a parking spot. I wanted to make it quick while also looking at other essentials I might need.

Mentally I had mapped out specific tasks as I glanced at my digital calendar. Deadlines were important to me. Everything was going according to plan. The 29th I would be out of the rental. Shutting off both electric and internet on the 28th. In case something would go wrong. Everything was going to plan. My flight was scheduled for the gap in between moving out and moving in.

I glanced at the pop sockets. The cute phone acessories. One was an iridescent little heart and the other was a sunrise? “E..essential? Super cute ahh.” I hesitated knowing I had to say yes. My thought process lagged as I put it in my cart. I had stopped at a few other stores. Trying to imagine myself in vacation clothes.

Clothing was a very hard decision for me. I tend to wear basics darker colors. But my vacation is in the heat. Knowing the deadline is soon, I brushed by a few tops. I promised myself silently, “if I love it I’ll buy it.” I spotted Sanrio merch. Gravitating towards it. Something light.

Light athletic clothing was recommended for this type of vacation. I would be doing walking and browsing. Swim suits. I quickly checked the sunscreen. I had seen a youtuber recommend a few. I had sneakers that were broken in. My cart only holding 3 items, travel hand sanitizer, pop socket iridescent heart and cotton rounds for my cat. No travel items just yet. I sighed discouraged.

Sephora caught my eye. I went in browsing the makeup section. I knew I couldn’t handle too many test strips of perfume. So I tried some. Then asking for the travel size of my favorite perfume.

I tend to go for the sweet vanilla ones. Marshmallow ones. I had asked a lover (now ex) what I smelled like one time, “vanilla.” I had always wondered how. Since then I’ve stuck with the sweet scents.

“We can have it shipped to you. Since we don’t carry it at this location.” I thought about it knowing even if it was shipped I wouldn’t have time. I politely declined. At least I was getting about asking for what I wanted.

My new version was peeking through. My childhood friend had always mentioned, ” your so picky.” I smiled and chuckled, ” I am.”I remembered the time I was browsing the housing listings with a friend, ” you wouldn’t buy the whole house because of the one light fixture.” I hesitated, ” Yes actually.” He told me, ” you could just change the lighting.”

I refused. No way. Tbh mentally I was calculating how much renovation would need to be done . I see the potential in others and get carried away. A dangerous hobby for online home designing games.

I had become particularly fascinated with the designing process. Home renovation channels and dress up games. A way to include my innerchild. The adult version of a dollhouse.

Mentally I had revisited a game I dropped a few years ago. PurenistaM a cute dress up game that made me weak. A game that would begin my gacha..okay but the outfits are adorable. I had decided I would get the best of the best. PRM (premium currency) in game would be my downfall.

During my cute era everything pink and pastels where I explored different fashion. I had learned about makeup.

For years I had watched kawaii YouTube channels. Including smaller youtubers becoming inspired by them. later revisiting them to see the youtuber not doing well. What fame would do to someone. I winced as they shared the intimate darker truths that were revealed about themselves. Fans had speculated into a frenzy.

I closed the browser. I didn’t want it to ruin the mood. But I wanted to be a grounded realistic individual. The pastels and the cute image curated for a persona? I couldn’t do that. Be a fake version for clout? No. I sighed knowing individuals were complex. Behind it all was a mask. For better or worse reasons. 

The magic faded as I saw their growth arc. I had a phase where I too looked up to them. Where I wanted to be like them. A vortex of cuteness everything frills and dresses. I had wanted to buy a few dresses out of curiosity. My first purchase was the unicorn lavender jsk by bodyline. (I wasn’t aware of the controversy back then.) I began collecting from Angelic Pretty and trying on various blouses.

I had stopped dismissing the way I felt about pastels. Back to black. The basic hoodies. I had binge watched pastel room tours. Pastels gave me comfort. I put on my hoodie and made my decision to not revist it.

I walked out of the store a bit disappointed I hadn’t found a suitcase I liked. The in between phase of moving. I had been using paper plates and utensils. Getting food here and there. Takeout my love hate relationship. A quick bite to eat. I didn’t want to get any groceries/ cook anything. Just a few more days until vacation.

It was lunchtime and I decided to pick up a chicken sandwich and some extra sides. And my favorite strawberry lemonade. Sitting in the car running in to make sure I was well fed.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to bring anything to the new place. Food wise. Pantry goods, yes some. Pastas and other non perishable items. Sleeping on the couch had been taking a toll on my body. Soon I would be on Vacation.

When I had picked out the new apartment I decided that I wanted 3 – 4 listings to look at. I ended up looking at a little apartment in a college town. Not ideal. And then I found the apartment. A bit away from the highway but had all the stores I would ever need. A walkable distance from the local grocery store.

The part of me that wanted to be near a beach and City and the same time. I had looked at other rentals in Florida, California, North Carolina, New York. It seemed like I wanted the city life and the beach.

I settled with the thought, I could wake up to beautiful sunrise on the balcony. The much needed sunlight I had lost. This might be my answer. It had enough space for me with a livingroom and bedroom. I smiled knowing I had found a place. It all worked in my favor.

The in-between a transition phase. When I lived in North Carolina it was hard to have my things in two places. In the end I managed to ship what I wanted back to my moms. I didn’t know I would get an apartment in my moms hometown.

I knew I was scared back then but I was willing to give it a shot. This is about what I wanted. 💗 Who I was becoming.

Dinner became a late night Burger King run. I decided on the Texas double Whopper. Some fries no drink. I winced as I waited in the drive thru. As I put it in park. Today I accomplished what I could.

Tomorrow would be another adventure. One day at a time.