Shower

The in-between having the thought of no housing or dates that don’t align. All of it shocking my body internally. I know I have a plan. I know I have the logistics written on paper. Reorganizing the map internally. But my body can’t catch up fast enough.

I used the shower to reset my mind and inner turmoil. A broken heart, a fight a long day from work. All of it washed away my emotional debris. My mother’s house pulls me back. Time began again. The odd snippets of memory the brief sting of words. Old memories. Bitter ones. Nostalgic.

I watch the echos of my memory replay on a film. The times I lost it internally. The times I just cried in the shower. The parts where I lost all of myself. I turned the knob to cool. It’s been a hot day. This is my third shower as I drown out the doubts.

When I rush I make more mistakes. I have to take my time. During the late nights in my exes small twin bed. I would wonder what my life would become. Would the application be accepted for my first apartment? The small hope crushed in me as reality hit. Days and nights would merge. My long hoodie in the summer heat, in a beach chair I had found in his garage. I would game. To log out of my daily emotions. My capri sun in the cup holder. I smiled as pixels entertained me.

Persona 5 Royal. My first entry to a world where I could blindly follow fate. It stained my life in color. The days would repeat in real time. I sat quietly staring at the blue walls. A…a date. Valentines day. Something special.  I would think about the room I was in. Days would pass.

In a college apartment I would sit staring at the white walls. Most days I would wait. Sometimes if I was bored I would climb out the windows onto the stairs. I would find comfort in the darkness as the flickering neon signs blinked.

24 hrs convenience store. I would pick up a bland meat sandwich and smile. Things would get better I promised myself. One day I wanted some ice cream. Something sweet on that bitter summer day. I would take the bus to work. I would wait for them.

Weekends I would head to the rink. The dull ache of memory. No one would question it. The blades collided with the ice and I was free from my mental prison. The rush of cool air and the summer air as I rushed to the bus stop.

That was the summer I found TXT. My new obsession. K-pop was my savior. Exes. I would stare at the wall for hours watching the sun pass. I would curl up and sleep. Gaming nights, loud laughter. Work tomorrow. 150. Deductions.

I was lost in the emotion. Lost in the person I had become. To reset that internal tug of war. I would have to break it off. My name would be called and I would answer. The silent rebellion didn’t break the silent game.

“I’m busy. Maybe another time.” I noded, ” I have game night don’t wait up.” I shut the door and laid there in the suffocating room. The convenience store food sounded like a good dinner. I would put on my coat and sneak out through the window.

Munching on my small chicken tender sandwich. I wanted Ice cream. I wanted more. As the memory faded I would fall into pieces. Walking through the campus holding hands.

The cherry blossoms fell. Has he ever complimented you? I smiled away the doubt. I wouldn’t break. I would wait. To them I was something pretty. I walked the delicate path of fragments.

Fast forward to the blue room. The TV would play colorful scenes dulled my senses, ” I’m busy. Maybe later okay?” I nodded and closed the door. I waited. Popcorn for a movie? “Would you like some popcorn kettle and butter? I’ll make some for both.”

“Felix?” I looked up waiting, “napkins?” More snacks. I had to wake up from this nightmare. My heart collided with truth. I hesitated and pressed X.

The games consumed me. I would drink water and juice. My insomnia chasing me. Until I lay in bed. Boxed pizza for lunch and takeout. My Sweet tea. My kidney stones would take form.

A year ago I had been diagnosed with kidney stones. I woke up feeling pain. Thinking I was constipated I called my family friend, “are you out can you get me meds?” I whimpered in pain. Not understanding the consequences of my consumption.

“We are headed home. Sorry I can’t get them.” I whimper smiling , ” no worries. It’s okay i’ll figure something out.” I had taken the car to the pharmacy unsure if it was a UTI or constipation. I would later be in the waiting room. The dull lights flickering reminding me of my mortality. I barely writhed in pain. Every little step hurt. Two hours later I was put on meds. I played the time game guessing when the doctor would come in.

“You should pass it in a few days.” I nodded weakly. Following up with the doctors. I hesitated. The numb feeling in my chest came again. I was fine.

I would enter the bathroom and turn on the shower. I would replay the scenes in my head from the day, ” tomorrow.” My scented body wash and my zip up hoodies. The summer breeze hit me as I walked toward my future. I would blast my music and enter a world I belonged.