Stars

TW : This post touches on deeper themes such as betrayal, Dissociation, panic attacks Feel free to skip this post. I care about your wellbeing. Not every post I share will be lighthearted. This post brings up many memories that have shapped my adolecent and adult life. As I pull back the layers of what shapped me this may hit on a deeper psychological level. Thank you everyone for being respectful see you in the next post if you decide to skip this. ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

I would stare at the curtains as I waited for the morning light to shine through. The broken promises lay in this motel room where I became a toy. I had recounted the past reconciled but it was far from over. He turned from me as he played the latest soccer live game. The blanket hadn’t spared me as my mind slipped into oblivion. The ache of the cold tore me as I whimpered in the dark I would have therapy the next day. Challenging my life choices. I had made a decision to meet others to fill a void. The cycle would repeat until I went numb.

That collar would become permanent. Something I couldn’t take off, something I felt comfort in. lean into the desire. The warped sense echoed in my head. Many people had loved the thought of me. The cost of betrayal was steep. As I smiled, dancing into a room of pure lust. My mother had shaped me to perform, “Ballet lessons this week and gymnastics. Today’s figure skating.” Her car would drive me to a place I no longer accepted. “I don’t even like the lessons, everyone does better.” She smiled, ” Practice makes perfect.” During my teen years I would begin cosplay as a hobby, seeing how lively and fun it was. I had no idea of the horrors that happened behind the scenes. I fell in love with Woo.

We met over Instagram. I was scrolling until I reached out one day. A broken promise a fated love I thought. Woo was my nickname for them. We had chatted on Insta for a bit until I asked if they wanted to call months later. They had mentioned they were a famous cosplayer. They explained that they were busy but had their manager on their schedule, “Sukoshi sorry i’ve been busy, maybe we can call when my family is out.” I promised myself that I would talk to them about visiting. How many months had passed, “Sorry I can’t do Christmas.” I would sit there to journal about Woo. My everything. Until we called, “Sukoshi..hi sorry I haven’t been in touch. life’s been really busy.” I never wanted the call to end. Hearing his voice made my heart skip, “Woobear, it’s really okay I understand. Modeling must be hard on you.” I would lay on my bed eagerly talking about stuff. My mind would pull a blank every time I would try to recall their lines. I hated fan boying in front of them. As we texted it was clear we both wanted more. “Sukoshi I got a little blue ring i’d like to give to you.” I was happy that I could be with Woo, “Aww I love that Woo. Actually I bought us matching necklaces, one from Yuri on Ice that says Victor and the other Yuri.” I hesitated. Was it too akward to buy things like these. Woobear would love it. I would buy mini gifts sometimes to keep the hope alive. A mini light up snowglobe from Yankee Candle, “Woo would love this it’s so cute. I’ll buy it.” Days passed I knew he was dealing with alot on his plate. He was famous. I hesitated. Woo would tell me about his day, his love for hobbies. He had mentioned he had older makeup he wanted to get rid of, “Woo what kinds of make up do you use? Where do you store your cosplays?” I wanted it so badly to work it was one of my softer connections, “I store my cosplays in a storage unit I have many.” I blushed as he explained it. You never forget that feeling of time passing slowly. Between two that bond. I loved him, I wanted to share memories. I dreamed of sharing an apartment and laughing. When I woke up I had refreshed the browser on insta, “User not found.” All of it crumbled down. Our moments gone. What the hell Woohan. I would wait a day but checked back. Had he seriously blocked me. Fair point but two can play this game. For weeks I felt numb I didn’t want to cosplay. I was devastated every time I looked for a cosplay his face was on the cosplays. You can’t be serious Woo. The universe smiling, “Joke’s on you Yumeji.” I would have days where I didn’t want to shop online because his face was there. I prayed it was just a misunderstanding between me and Woo. But time tore us apart. Months would pass and I would delete my instagram. It hadn’t been my first heartbreak but our connection felt different. We would have made a cute couple. I promised I’d get better for us. I promised we would meet someday. I wanted it to be just like Yuri and Victor meeting. I wanted to take back time. Years had passed until I found my keychain I had kept all these years. Failing to protect the one thing I loved. MY very heartbreak was Sebastian.

Sebastian was my second love. The summer camp made it impossible to deny my feelings. The cabin, the sky the sand. It was summer camp and I was 14 or 15? I had recently been battling with coming out as trans. I had waved to my new friends. I had made two good friends Ashley and Sebastian. Ashley also liked me. I felt close with Ashley her brown wavy hair and brown eyes sparkled as she talked, “Yumeji which activity are you doing?” The breeze captured a moment in time, ” I picked the crafts today with Sebastian.” Ashley smiled and later we would go to the beach. I sat on the sand refusing to swim. I was confused about my gender at the time. I felt vulnerable putting on a swim suit and walking around the beach. Ashley had smiled we had been “Dating” for summer camp. She was complicated.

Ashley had a home in the valley. My mom had driven me there once and it was for a sleepover. My mother had made crude jokes about my taste in friends, “All you’ve known are friends with Hoards in their home.” Most time I was with friends who had a parent that suffered from hoarding or mental health issues. I sighed it hurt. I wanted to accept my friends and their parents had complex lives outside of parenting. I would begin to hate my mothers comments about my friends. Recently she had told me, “I want you to make friends that are fun.”

I hesitated. The pain that came with the cost of a friendship. It didn’t need to be like this. I would self-blame for my unstable friendships, determining I was the cause. I would leave if there was drama. Ashley smiled as I saw the soda on the table. A sleepover with her other friend Lucy. But me and Ashley were dating. It was so akward to be close to her knowing that her friend was right there. I had recently bought my first Ciel cosplay. I had brought it to show. I would pour some soda but then pass out as if I was drunk.

“Ash..Ashley.” I had laid on the floor. Was it too much soda? overwhelm? I had collapsed as they watched me in my Ciel cosplay. I could hear their laughter as they kicked me, “Wake up Ciel..Hello..” I woke up on the floor. Caffeine. I got up slowly and laid on the futon. Ashley didn’t seem to be bothered. I passed out. She was on her laptop, “You can sleep if you want. I have bad Insomnia.” My last memories from her impacted me but not as severely as Sebastian. My heart would be caught between two loves.

Sebastian broke me emotionally. It was the first friendship what made me emotional. I never wanted him to leave. His mother was complicated us hanging out after summer camp was harder. We would meet at the knitting group they had and Sebastian had lied saying he was going. We would meet every other week by the rock near my school, “I love you Yumeji.” I smilled and leaned in to kiss him. It would be my last fairytale kiss. Sebastian would move to the Carolinas choosing another woman. He had sent me a letter to my address, ” My beautiful yumeji I wonder if you remember me reach out if you want heres my number.” I hesitated and did. I should have left it alone, ” Hey Yumeji how have you been? yeah im here with my my girlfriend she knows I love you know.” I died internally, “Cool.” So was our relationship? Did it you know mean we were together or? He chuckled, “Yeah my partner and I have a kid now.” What the actual hell. Can I please hang up, “I love you Yumeji me and my partner well it hasn’t been going smooth so..” I could hear his partner yelling in southern. I winced, “Do you seriously still have feelings for me?” Sebastian hesitated, “I don’t wanna tell you till you tell me how you feel.” I felt the snap. I wanted to yell and scream in the moment. You must be joking. Sebastian was the one who loved Black Butler, who went to cons with me, who held me as I cried. I was so upset when I lost my Phantomhive ring one summer as we sat at the lake. Was this really the same Sebastian? “Sebastian I should go.” I ended up blocking him from my life.

The cycle of relationships wore me down. The almost maybe potential dates, the rejection. I was crushed mentally. When I found Woo it broke me. 47 emotional romantic connections before the age of 30 would bruise me. I stopped dating and worked on myself. Its been 2 years since my last relationship a break much deserved. I sighed as I am writing this in real time. I wanted to connect to others. Instagram was a hub of cosplayers until it turned into the endless ad machine. A huge part of the reason I would leave after deleting Ciellykitty my insta.

I had met some cosplayers online even from some cons I went to. I wasn’t able to speak my truth at a con. Its been a few years so I feel safe sharing this story. All names have been changed for privacy. When I was in my first apartment I wanted to make friends. I had a friend Ava who liked cosplay so I invited her up for my birthday weekend and anime con. (TBH this was really dumb) We had video chatted and talked online pretty much. She seemed nice so I offered to host. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be to value myself more. Ava came with her friend Courtney they had driven up. Before they came up I bought towels they could use and new bedding. I wanted them to feel welcome. The put their suitcases away, “Yumeji I got you some gifts.” I sat on the couch and opened them. An eyeshadow palatte from Morphe, another little one, some Too Faced foundation and a Venti cosplay. I was happy to have them over, “Thank you Ava.” I noticed Courtney was withdrawn. I decided we could go for a swim at the lake. Eva declined so I took Courtney. We sat at the edge of the water everything was still, “Thank you for coming up here Courtney. I hope you have a good time.” Courtney was uneasy and revealed a bit of her memories. That Ava and her had been roomates. I smiled, “I hope Ava gets what she wants if that means fame.I’m happy for her.” Courtney silently sighed. I hadn’t realized why Courtney was so tense.

A day later it would be hard to find my voice. We would drive up in the car and the gossip would contine. I was in the back dreading the drive, “I mean I don’t understand why she did that Courney can you believe that.” I sat in the back with my earbuds. I had become hyper aware of what I said and how I moved for the next few days. We parked at the con and walked. I wanted to hang out with them as they walked in front. It had dawned on me in the quiet room of the anime con that it was for clout. The air hadn’t settled. I was asked if I wanted to join them with a group of friends I said no. We had taken photos later, “Can I borrow the cane for a photo?” Ava smiled, “Please don’t break it.” I got up posing as Courtney took my photo. I gave it back gently. I would have this nagging feeling of misery until I had a dream. That dream was a warning about Ava. I had seen her in the dream reading my diary to everyone while on a stage. The audience listened as she told them my secrets. She was in the spotlight but crying I could see it, “I can’t do this anymore.” It was the price of fame in the dream. When I woke up I had decided I needed to tell them to leave my home, “Ava I’m sorry but this isn’t working. Please leave with Courtney.” During my time with Ava I would disociate. I would have panic attacks that I his in the darkness of the car. I had learned how to cry silently as we drove away from the con. The hardest part was telling them to go. But how could I let them stay. I would be blamed later for it as the story was warped Eva revealing I was just dramatic. Fine by me. I still wish they have a good life. We wern’t meant to be friends.

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I have. The friends I choose taught me valuable lessons. They hurt like heck though. I do think about my past friendships relationships sometimes like browsing a playlist, “I hope they are okay.” I don’t do collabs with other cosplayers anymore. I want to cosplay for myself my own hobby without the drama. Cosplay is known for competitive side unfortunatly. But when you stop chasing clout fame you start to question If you would still stay loyal to cosplay. Many cosplayers face the pressure to perform for an audience. It could be the next post the next like. It may consume you if you can’t tell between loyalty to self love vs loyalty to ego. I have been loyal to cosplay since I was 13. I grew up knowing when to take breaks or stop. When cosplay becomes addictive it can cause several side effects such as burnout, debt and self worth issues that pop up. This is by no means a diagnosis but my understanding of the meaning shaped by my own experiences. I enjoy learning about what others love. My personal life I admit has been full of brutal lessons. I appriciate the moments I got to learn. I would still want t okeep these memories even if they were painful. If I only had happy memories I would be so dull. Even if my life might be hectic I still have my daily dose of Therapy in the Outlast trials. Time to log off and game. At the end of the day I still choose kindness and love.