Toast

This morning I woke up with a vivid dream. I would usually dream during harder parts of my life. Honestly, playing the Outlast Trials is not helping my case. I also fell in love with the new outfits in game and had to “Upgrade.” tbh my current mansion in Heartopia is at it’s max load. So I built a storage unit on the island homes for stuff. This game and PurenistaM will be the death of me. Cute digital pixels.. I need to unlink my account. Anyhow.

Yesterday the elavator was out of service so I used the other one. It sparked my memory of being 5 and lost in a country I didn’t understand. Let me rewind: when I was younger, my family would take me on trips. This time it was Colombia. My younger self sitting on the benches waiting as I played Tetris on the AT&T silver flip phone. My mother a worried wreck, “Yumeji, what’s my number again?” I repeated it back in a sing song voice, “Good okay and what happens if you get lost .” I mumbled, “talk to an adult with um family or kids.” She nodded satisfied. We had flown to Columbia to visit her friend. Grandma was also with us. Miss her she was the one really special parental figure in my life.

Basically my grandma was with me in Columbia in the mall and I ran ahead of her, “Grandma come on let’s go!” I went into the elavator as the doors closed, “Grandma??” The elavator went to the parking garage as I cried my eyes out. I was only 5 as people came into the elavator. I wasn’t able to speak spanish so I cried repeating Grandma. As the elavator lifted us the doors opened and guess what? I saw my grandma again. My Mother was dissapointed at grandma for not “Keeping an eye on me.”

Grandma would cook in the kitchen making her famous Potato Leek soup. I still wonder how the recipe went. Lucky for me I can create it from memory by taste. I ended up making my own variation of it. Tucked away in my memory was the smell of the kitchen and cooking. Her fridge stocked with American cheese and italian ice. The pineapple lay on the counter with the little tv she kept on. I didn’t know what I wanted for lunch that day, “How about some Mac and Cheese Yumeji?” I nodded as my black hair fell, “Grandma can I help? I wanna watch how you make it.” She opened the cabinet and got the box down. Pouring the water in the pan she dumped the noodles in and I saw it, “Grandma theres a bug in there I don’t want that.” The pantry moth floated as the noodles sank deeper. Her sigh was evident, “Honey it’s just protien.” I put on my disgusted face, “I’m not eating that grandma I already saw that. I don’t want lunch anymore.” I was not impressed. My 6 year old rebel was not out to play. My grandmother had shown me my mother came from a family that cared. She married a politian divorcing shortly to begin her life. Signing up for the Costco memberships having her own opinions. If anything, my mother was the complete opposite. My mother stopped caring about basic sanitation which would lead to my inner rebel of making sure everything was clean in the kitchen.

Most of my family cousins, aunts, and uncles went into Real Estate it was no shock many family members had properties. Our family was known for games every family event involved a board game. My aunt battling it out with Canasta, “You can’t do that. Hold on go back. that was my point.” My aunt cursing in southern.

Silas would later comment, “Yumeji I had no clue your family was loaded. I thought your family lived in a ranch or something in the middle of nowhere in North Carolina.” I would face palm internally, “Yeah um anyways just park on the side of the driveway. I made mac and cheese for the family and.” I looked at him, “Silas.” He pouted, “Yumeji you never told me any of this. I sighed, “Silas you never asked.” We entered the dining room. My cousins had started prepping the table for food. It was Thanksgiving. Mashed potatos, green bean cassarole, turkey, ham, Mac and cheese. Around my family it had been hard to meet up with the extended part. My aunts and uncles all lived in different places as well as my cousins. Part of me missed sitting around the table sharing a meal without scandal or gossip. Most of my intel was from family gatherings. As me and Silas left we drove to a hotel. Silas was the one relationship that taught me alot. We parked and got out as I shut the door, “Yumeji I told you not to shut that.” The keys were locked in the car, It was already really late. We headed in as we asked the front desk who to contact. Shortly after we would get someone to help. I secretly would have tipped. It was Thanksgiving. My mind went blank as we slept in the hotel room.

Being adopted added the extra layer of not having a stable parent. I would be lying if I said it was easy. The times when I got into trouble or needed another perspective. My birth father had died from lung complications before I was born. It would spark a debate of if I was really my father’s child or if my mother had cheated. Before I was the topic of conversation my thoughts drifted again. The complex side of sorting how I felt. I hadn’t told anyone about my birth family aside from my godmother. I would have liked to understand the world growing up with another parental figure. I would have signed up beforehand but my spiritual journey was like, “NO. Here are the terms and conditions before you travel here.” I bet my soul was laughing but also like, “There better be a really REALLY good reason to come down here.” And of course Archangel Michael would give me the side eye. I joke that i’m Eons old not that it matters, MICHAEL (～o￣3￣)～(Don’t ask haha)

Church had been a surrounding topic of the family. Palm sunday, Easter. These memories would only surface because I was currently under the bed cursing as Mother Gooseberry was checking the radio frequencies, “Everyone loves crackers and juice, but that’s not why we have communion.” I internally screamed in the Outlast Trials.Until I heard one mannequin, “Don’t talk to me before I have my coffee.” and then, “HACHACHACHA.” Was the coffee really that hot? That game will also be the death of me, literally and figuratively. Church was an event my Mother forced us to go to, “I’ll get you candy if we go to church.” The oldest trick but it helped? The penny candy at the general store wasn’t half bad If you ignored the tourists.

“Look they have Jaws merch, Honey we need this.” I sighed. Tourists where I lived would irritate any islander. Trust me if anything the hometown I grew up was a myth a rumor. Island gossip would spread like wildfire. To be in the know you would need to know the locals. Any local could tell you how outrageous the ferry was. My life was like a movie set. Where I would learn to perform before I spoke English. The latest article, the latest gossip. Unfortunately for me my mother had struck a bargain, made a bet and lived there.

I would revisit the memories from my school journal or friday folder. My younger self happy to help customers, waving and smiling from the bagged mulch and peat moss, “Yumeji, please get down. I don’t want your mother to be angry again.” I sighed fluent in defiance, “Okay okay.” My little legs carried me as a woman asked for help, “Can you help me?” I nodded smiling. She looked at me, knowing the cost of the spotlight. “Here’s a little tip.” She handed me a dollar for my great work. I smiled, waving. That dollar meant a million to me.

“You have carried the world on your shoulders.” My babysitter, Lynn, would watch me. Lynn was one of my babysitters who would play games with me or go on date nights. Younger me would be happy I could go out, “Lynn really we can go to the top of the hotel and have chocolate?” She smiled as I hopped in her Honda driving me downtown. As we parked she held my hand. The first stop would be the coffee shop to get a little steamy drink. The candy shop was filled with a colorful display. Next to the Pizza shop, “Yumeji you can get 2 small things.” I would debate between gummy food or bubble gum, “Lynn what about this?” she nodded it was well under twenty dollars. Lynn was adopted as well from North Carolina. TBH at this point I must have lived in North Carolina in a past life. Lynn would shape parts of my childhood and be revealed that she wasn’t the person I looked to. She was paid to take care of me that was her role. As a teenager parts of me wants to yell. (More about Lynn in another post.) Lynn was sweet kind, and patient. I would learn later in life she was not an Adult I would come to respect. The last line from her rang through my head, “I’ll tell you when your older. You wouldn’t understand.” And that day never came.

Someday I would daydream in school. I always knew i’d become famous. That wasn’t a secret hidden from me. My story was meant to be shared with others. I would side-eye Archangel Michael. I would become spiritual through my lessons at the Universalist Unitarian congregation. Please don’t spend hours debating about how that happened haha. And then I would have no choice but to wake up to my spiritual side. And no it wasn’t because the one time I tried corned beef for breakfast and Hollandaise sauce. That was not me being enlighted. It was me trying something new only to get slapped in the face with sodium by the universe. I am sure i’ll get to talking more about my spiritual gifts. I haven’t hidden it; I just don’t talk about it. 😛

I have so many memories I could flip through waiting to be documented. 💕