Fragments

I used to make promises to the parts I hated about myself. I would hear how self-care gurus structured their life. As a rebellious teenager, I got into the wrong crowd fast. I would look up to partners that didn’t look at me with care. I would tell myself I was the problem but the truth was, I didn’t want to face the part of me that loved deeply. But at what cost? It deteriorated my mental health to be in toxic relationships, friendships. Now that I can view it from a grounded perspective, My teenage self had so much to say about identity. I would dye my hair diffrent colors and sit in a chair to explore my trauma. I would have my earbuds in and listen to the music as High School passed me.

It took me a while to get back on my feet. The truth was I loved myself a little bit more than I hated myself. As each partnership revealed lessons, I was still growing. As I write this I am still finding what brings me joy. Stickers, plush toys, crafts. I had greived the childhood I lost. My innerchild had screamed as I passed the Miniverse section, “No not today.” My adult self would keep me in check for now.

Learning to balance Adulting and my inner child so they wouldn’t clash. I started small by doing my sticker journal I tried to do daily. I am totally not looking at my sad journal I haven’t written in..yeah totally..XD. My mother had been on my case when I was a child to clean. I didn’t have time for toys or exploring who I was. I was a really funny curious kid.

A month or so I tried Waxing. Well if someone told me the cheat code in middle and high school I would have started earlier. I’ve always been self concious of body hair? As I went through puberty my mom just gave me a book and that was it. Most of my identity shame stems from my mom who had “Outdated” ideals?? I would run into severe sexual shame as an individual as my years blended into my adulthood. I was too afraid to ask and kept it hidden. What’s this? Anatomy class didn’t help either.

Why would I ask my friends that super weird question. I was embarrassed. I was thrown into misinformation. HA..I recently learned what a safeword was.. (Not my proudest moment but.) Aftercare? I couldn’t ask about it. I’d hang out with the wrong crowd. Self-love was the last thing on my mind. I’d be in a smoky car with my winter coat with my fur hood. The dashboard said 2am.

Who cared if I was out.The hospital sign blinked as the wintery scene cascaded, “Lets go to the park.” My eyes would glaze over as my heart was pierced with smoke . From a man I never knew. Did we hold hands and pretend nothing was wrong? Would I smile at him as his memory replaced me with his desire? I would hide my face ashamed of who I had become.

I would wish for a lover who loved me. Every year on New Years I would wish for a love that matched me. That fateful New Years party. I had met him, by the campfire under the stars. A college grad named Perry. He smiled as I joined the warm bonfire, “My names Perry and who might you be?” I smiled sheepishly. I had cursed wearing my tight gold Dress that evening, “Yumeji. My name is Yumeji.” We sat as he talked about college life. I smiled as we parted ways. Most of the adults would stare at me or wrap me into a conversation.

As the glasses clinked. I blushed as an older gentleman talked to me about the new amusement park he was developing. Many men have told me I could be in the spotlight if I so wished. I was there for the food and intel. I would watch as New Years began.

I had Perry’s info and we would text. A week or so passed until the text popped up, ” Wanna meet up.” I replied as we agreed to meet at a restaurant. Italian classic diner. The small sleepy college town was covered in snow. I had worn my greyish blue contacts. I was in too deep emotionally I couldn’t put my feelings to the side. As we walked my heart ached a little. We sat on the bench. I blushed hoping for a connection. The memory stung as He looked at me.

Light trigger warning for those who are sensitive or want to skip this part. It has kissing.

As the words fell he leaned in. I internally screamed. Please no. I hit the the breaks on my emotions, “Kiss me.” He said. I hesitated as I tried to turn away. I didn’t want to kiss. His hands held my head gripping me. I wasn’t able to turn away. My mind went numb before my emotions caught up. The seconds turned to decades. It was over and my feelings were tossed in the trash. Every ounce of belief I had was wiped. I was forced to kiss a man I didn’t know.

I hated to acknowledge my past, but confronting it head-on in scattered fragments. The tears I shed the many moments that I hoped. I never gave up on a future me. I climbed my way out of the depths to build a future that was mine. I began writing my experiences with an open heart. I couldn’t be perfect or all good.

I needed both to stay equally grounded. As I reflect on my previous relationships. I look back with decades worth of memories. I shut my eyes and thank my past self for not giving up on future me. Many were close calls too close. I am still healing I am still moving toward a future me where I feel a love that lives in my heart rent free.

I buy things I love and enjoy the small moments. Warm baths calm me and reset my energy. Sparkly lip gloss is my go-to for upgrading my smile. Self care can be small, a change in habit. A new style.Every part of rebel painting a decade worth remembering. I cherish the moments of peace I get. Bath salts that let me soak for hours, listening to the drip of the water.