Illusion

I put my phone down as the call ended. I didn’t want to be with them. The idea haunted me. Would anyone say it out loud. Was it obvious the ideal of me faced me with a venomous spotlight. I had downloaded the app like 20 times, hoping for a steady connection. This time I was caught in the crossfire. I was in my 20s working part time. Not a job I was happy about in the end it highlighted the predicament I would be in. It was around covid when I had lost my sense of self.

This lesson as a whole would strengthen me, break me and rebuild me. The fractures of this tale woven deep. A lesson just for me. A lesson that would break every bone in my body. I had met him on an app. I should have blocked him. His red flags decorated his persona. This lesson would tear me to pieces.

I would meet Gavin. Tbh at this point I will write up a time line of the names listed. Most of the names listed are key figures who have shaped me for the better or worse. Gavin texted me through Snapchat. We talked and met every other week. I was too open. I was too kind. In the end my kind heart broke.

Gavin had charisma but his lies became bigger than him. Others had warned me to stay away from him. I wanted a connection with someone. At the time I was suffering from work and being around my family. I wasn’t in the best grounded place. I would drive miles to see a guy I barely knew.

His apartment complex in the middle of the city, with minimal parking. We had no “relationship” we met and talked and that was that, “What would you like to do today?” I asked as I held the fuzzy steering wheel. I liked him. He smiled and lied, “Lets go to the mall.”

As I drove, the further I was from my thoughts. I could hear the phone as he texted away. I pulled into the mall parking lot. We went in as he claimed he wanted a massage. So I would wait. I would wait for the last second. He smiled, “I forgot my wallet could you cover.” I cursed. I agreed. Weeks like these would continue until I questioned my sanity. The multiple ATM stops the random places i’d end up. The inconsistencies of each trip would follow a pattern, “You know he’s bad for you Yumeji. Come home with me.” two grown adults fighting over what I should do. In another state.

Alex and Gavin had been at it more than enough times. Both wanted me to stay with them. I was numb to the chaos by now as my tears fell. All those promises to hang out, only to find out he was with others. Texting others meeting others because I had the car. I would drive him to places. Alex knew Gavin was trouble. My feelings were split. I hated the part that gave too much.

Alex met me in the park, “Gavin isn’t good for you.” I nodded as my eyes glazed over. We held hands and laughed. His mother made us good food as we hung out for Halloween. We went trick-or-treating that evening in the wealthy neighborhood. “I don’t wanna go in Alex it’s scary.” I smiled in the dark. We had walked back it was getting colder. Alex had said it, “I really like you Yumeji.” I knew it was them or Gavin. I hesitated. I liked them alot.

Gavin had been insistent; he wanted new earbuds. Please not one more request. Please stop my mind would beg me to end the endless wants from him. “I wanna get food for my family.” ” I want a massage forgot my wallet.” ” I need to go to the doctors for meds.” As my mind went numb, it tore me to pieces. As well as being stolen from during that time period. *Sigh*

“You know why I wanna block you right? I’m done. Your stories aren’t adding up, You won’t tell me the truth Gavin.” I couldn’t tell if he was actually crying over the fact that I would leave. I dropped him off and that was the last time I saw him. A week later Alex and I hung out, “I’m happy you left Gavin.” I nodded.

the week after I had seen a famous cosplayer post they wanted an item. I was in a generous mood so I told them i’d get it for them. They were so happy saying they would pay me back. I had blindly trusted them. Until I reached out asking for setting up a payment plan, “Yeah i’ll pay you soon.” 2 months had passed. I closed my laptop swore and decided to part with it. I wasn’t going to get my money back.

My trust had been blinded. My kindness taken from me. I was left with the dull ache feeling numb. I had paid Gavin 200 every other week from my job that also drained me. Where did I go wrong? Covid had changed me. My Mother would disapprove asking, “Why can’t you trust?” My burntout sense of self had consumed me. I hadn’t begun my YouTube channel. Thank goodness (No offense) I would have been really chaotic.

I would smile through the lies that tore me apart from him. I had fallen into a void I felt suffocated by everything as it was torn from me. I would never settle for less. I would never let a partner control me with money. I promised myself I wouldn’t. It had ripped a page from my mental logbook. When I look back on how volatile the relationship/friendship was.

That year I had lost my gran to Dementia. I was still grieving the connection we had. A week before we had made plans to go grocery shopping and hang out. Watching Poirot, laughing eating tuna salad on crackers. I had woken up to find she had a tumor growing. Mentally, she wasn’t a part of my life anymore. I wanted to laugh about the silly moments she substituted for the kids. I had many people ripped from my life without warning. She ended up in the nursing home soon after. I had visited her a couple times but It was hard not to cry. Death and I had a unique relationship. I used to blame myself as a child for others passing. I thought I was the cause at 6 years old. I thought I was the reason.

As the pain and dull ache subsided, I became closed off to the world. I would listen to music to soothe me as my mother took away the Wi-Fi privileges. I had wanted it for music. Just to get me through the mental anguish I was dealt. I needed music. I changed my phone plan so I wasn’t on hers and bought a new phone. The torment I faced blended together with my emotions. If anything this chapter of my life was messy. My life was painted into pain. That pain consumed me but gave me a breath of resilience.

“When you cry you look so pretty.” I would smile and take it. The names the faces would blur the friendships. I’m now in a place that supports me. I’ve lived that chapter. Some of the songs in my current playlist carry the emotional depth that I went though. Most of my blog is made from the songs on my playlist. The broken-hearted, unfiltered me.