You don’t see a kind genuine individual show up in a room that has no drama no chaos. My fears had made me hesitate. Should I join this group? It was a digital party with likeminded individuals. I had struggled with connecting with others? What If they didn’t like me? I tapped on the event. Maybe I could make friends? I was the type to want to be connected to others but also feel shame.
“Screw it let just do it.” I tapped accept as the digital world was filled with a group. I typed, “Hi!” We talked mainly but one person stood out. Lynx. We had some similarities this group for instance. I added some friends just to keep in contact. Hopefully no one would think it was weird.
My avatar with snow hair bright blue eyes and pastels. I had created my avatar and built him and his persona. My mansion that could be seen for miles, a bright blue with crystal streaks. I had built it with an open structure with windows. I had been through so much loss on this app. Many friends were only there for dallies. When the game launched I added most users. I didn’t know what story or form my avatar might bring.
I had found an outlet that was creative, simple and still me. I had always chosen white hair with blue eyes. I was the romantic prince from another timeline. I checked my mail and sent a letter to Lynx, “Wanna hang? or chat i’m free.” He had responded, “I’d like that.” The day couldn’t have been better.
I went to his home in game. His home was draped in darker tones cathedral style. The opposite of my build. The flowers framed the stairs almost hiding a room I missed. As we toured, I asked. I had noticed the pastels were a contrast, “So what inspired this room? It’s cozy.” I had known he mentioned breaking off a connection with his best friend. And then it hit, ” Ah well this was my Ex best friends space we built together.” I hesitated, “Ah I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bring it up.” Frustrated I winced at the topic. I really didn’t want him uncomfortable.
We had decided to fish and hang out at my digital home. As the conversation flowed for once I wasn’t fighting it. I wasn’t pulling teeth to connect with another individual. It was relaxing and calming, ” Hey if you every need space please let me know I respect that.” I had told him if he got annoyed with me to tell me. I wanted to respect other boundaries. I had known he was in a place of recent hurt.
As the day went on in the digital landscape I had realized how much fun I had. I would drive through the town and reference Prince and the pauper. I was comfortable with him/ open. was I naive? I couldn’t hide my feelings for him. People might say, “You don’t know him.” My heart had fluttered before I spoke to him. Energetically speaking I had recognized I had a crush. I wanted a connection that was reciprocated. We were on the same page and finally it was light and exciting. A new friendship I hoped for?
I had seen lynx assert his boundaries with others. Adding them to tell them, “Sorry I can’t be friends.” This had helped me understand a piece of him. As the day unfolded we agreed to chat on discord. We had shared hobbies and perspectives on life. I was so hopeful. Finally a connection that understands me. Both Gemini both willing to talk. I cared about him even if it was for a few days.
The Discord chat blinked, “New friend request LYNX914_X.” I accepted. Of course I did. We would talk and I’d share I enjoyed poetry. I’d open up keeping it light hearted. I smiled into a void that became a well of emotion.
“Sure I’d like that >.<.” He responded. He wanted to see my jinbesan plushies. I smiled sending him a photo of my huge whale plush. I was excited as my heart fluttered spinning. I was hopeful. Too hopeful. The last question I send timestamped,” What kinds of chats do you like? Do you prefer short and memorable ones or deep coversations?” There was no wrong answer, no right one. I smiled as I passed out for the night. A warm feeling told me i’d be safe.
The morning came as I opened up the discord chat, “Hey sorry I passed out last night. I’m glad you didn’t respond I was soo tired. I just had some warm hot cocoa and its rainy here today. I hope you slept okay?” I refreshed a couple times, “Message could not send. tap here for more..” I stared into oblivion, h..had I been blocked. I checked the digital app. Gone too.
Internally I was a mess. I had just opened up my heart for what. The universe decided to play me. I hesitated. Surely they were overwhelmed and would come back? How the hell did I repeat a lesson I burried in the past. HOW??? I was crushed in a million ways emotionally?
Was it me was I too clingy, did I say something? I had also just calmed down last week from a friend who dumped emotional damage to my sanity. Emmie a sweet soft friend message me last week, “How are you?” The thing was Emmie had asked me 4 hours in the same day again. She had mentioned brining her friend to the ER for the 2nd time. I had to cut the connection off she hadn’t valued me. I had seen it for what it was. But this with lynx it was diffrent.
I sighed and turned the hot water on for a bath. I had been sulking and crying all day. With relationships they hit me fast. I heal fast after the wound but it takes time. I would replay every line and scruitinize each action. I had known lynx was in a place of hurt already but I had asked him to let me know his boundaries.
The bath soothed the overwhelm, the depth and the emotional void. I had been so mad that the rain looked pretty. The rain could heal me. I dressed and walked in the rain to Mcdonald. My comfort space. I had known I was in a bad mood because I didn’t bother with putting on my pink glittery gloss. I posted, “You know I’m in a bad mood when I walk to Mcdonalds in the rain forgetting my gloss.” I posted it with a selfie of me drinking soda.
I had deleted it. No one wants to see that. I sighed. Least my Deluxe Mcchicken felt dreamy. Each bite I was reclaiming myself. I would later write, “Sorry guys I’m going through a breakup. I’ll be back when I can. 💔.” I knew others would worry. Was it just a friendship break? I had hopped online to chat with his two friends. I also met V. I had texted Amy, “Hey can we chat? wanna hang.” I had felt bad but I also wanted closure.
Amy was lynxs friend as well as Carter. I had sat around the digital campfire. V was amys friend. He could see I was upset. So I explained the situation in a respectful way, “I understand he might be overwhelmed. I respect that but i’m also hurt.” Amy would remind me, “Some people just need breaks you know.” I nodded as V told me, “Someone will like you for you.” They hung out but digitally I was hearbroken. V tried to cheer me up, “Amy and carter will always have your back man. Amy always rants to me. but they will be there to support you.” I walked to the digital pool and laid down in it.
The chaos seemed burried and no one botherd to check on me as I stared up at the moonlight. I was envious of a digital cat that got rest I said, “Stay on the bridge dont come in the water you’ll get hurt.” The digital cat meowed as I sucked in my sorrow. It ached to see people together. I had told the group to hang out if they wanted later and left. The dull ache.
My mansion awaited my return. No butler to greet me but cats. Digital cats. I had bult my home like a palace. I had checked the store to but a record. I decided to put it on full blast so others could hear. I had realized my actual cat need food.
I sighed and walked to the store to get wet food. I has already vunerable. As I came home I melted into my bed. Sad that this connection had ended. Had any of it been real? Another user had told me to, “Chill out lynx didn’t like me like that. That I was over reacting.” I sighed and closed the chat. It would bring me back to the time Woo blocked me.
The same wound painted in a world I didn’t belong socially.
I would write a poem about the whole ordeal. It would be raw and unfiltered, “That smile wiped and torn into a facade. The last note. The last wish. Torn to oblivion. The strings mangled around him. Held between cutthroat lovers. A magic trick meant for the eyes of millions. Despair grew from pain. A body of melancholy and decay. Vicious rot. Unflitered tantrums about a world that could have been. A spilled death. A splintered hope fractured into a wound. Mended bandages a lie so seamlessly grew. The needle an unbecoming truth.”
My heart had shattered metaphorically. UGHHH. Why dod I have such a fragile heart. As if it was a burden.
I had given space 3ish days so then I added lynx as a friend. I had seen the greeting card, “New friends Lynx” It popped up but then I checked and it was gone. He had thrown it in the trash. He wasn’t ready to talk. Fine. I sulked.
I could make tacos and watch kdrama. I would take another bath to cleanse my soul. Much needed. I would hear the comforting voice of my favorite youtuber. I soaked in the bath. I had also gotten paid today. But I was in a horrible mood I didn’t bother shopping.
I felt numb and anxious. Maybe he will come back. Maybe it was a false start? As a fellow gemini I would be curious as hell to know what someone that calm was up to. Lynx had said he loved the show, “Love island.” I had claimed I hadn’t watched the show, “No i’ve never watched it.” I had known of it and how volitile it was.
Lynx loved romance the pure kind the innocent kind. Thats an L. At the end of the day I still showed up with kindness. I am far from the chaotic partner. I enjoy making food for my partner and picking out special gifts. I have all the traits of a..lover. What could someone want. Point is my crushes have never been romantically reciprocated. Even as a child I confessed to a playdate that threw my journal at me, “I don’t even like you!!” My innerchild winced. I had spent days writting confessions at 7yrs.
even crushes would tell me, “I’m Gay and I like guys sorry.” (before I was trans.)
each ache each emotion felt in the span of 4 days. I had gone live to express my overwhelm. In the end ive rested with the fact that, ” I have to take care of myself .” Its been a few years since my ex Silas. Life doesn’t stop. If Lynx chooses to come back he knows where to find me. If he never does thats’s his L. If I saw someone honest and kind and understanding willing to talk to me. I would stop and treasure it.
You can’t like throw that purity away. Thats a handcrafted love spell made from pain. It ached yeah but he couldn’t see it for what it was. So i’ll be in my digital palace locked away in a kingdom until I find true love. If it becomes a decade or so and I’m taken. He can’t get mad at it. Babe don’t get mad at something you lost. As I reconcile with my feelings. I had checked PurenistaM.
The app had the Rainbow Bazzar going on. I spoiled my little avatar on there. Braty and emotionally distant. My little prince. Ah for those who don’t know about Bazzar its basically where you spend stars to get cute outfits. The baskets that are older or rare its possible to get items for some stars. I had opened my shop. 3 items sold out. PRM stars the currency that was bought and non prm stars. AHH its so cute. I love it honestly. My favorite pastel elegant wardrobe. I would browse shops some props for 500 stars. Since tax played a factor the amount you sold an item could vary. Some backdrops for 1200 stars.
Highlight of my day as I browsed while listening to, “Remind me” by Chase Atlantic. I would add songs to my new playlist. At this moment its a breakup playlist of all the heartache i’ve been through. I listen too it too so it easily could be me rewatching. “Like I do.” by Ariana Grande was replayed as I dived into my emotions. “Bloody Paradise” by ENHYPEN put me in my moods.
I’ve never been afraid of facing my feelings. Any feelings that come up I confront them and reflect. I know bottling them up is never the answer. I also got to watch the movie, “Good Advice (2001) directed by Steve Rash.” I never really liked rom coms but after lynx. I needed it. I needed flavorful joy back in my life.
I would laugh again and watch rom coms. I would aknowledge I was hurt but also healing. While the dull ache still persists I’m not drowning in my emotions. I’ve worked and collaborated a space that supports the inner ache. I closed my eyes as I dreamed of a fairytale. I wouldn’t give up on myself for future me.
The next day I would wake up to Amy and carter unfriending me. I chuckled. Amy had added me back as a friend again. I tossed it in the trash. I was already hurt. V had said carter and Amy would listen and be supportive. What a lie. What could amy possibly say after unfriending me after I had been honest at the campfire. No. You can’t come back in my life sorry. “I’d like to play outlast trials with you.” lynx said in a previous conversation before he left.
It doesn’t work like that. (to Lynx) Babe why you mad? you slammed the door shut. Overwhelmed or not…unfriending / blocking signals you don’t want this. I had been frursterated with the whole deal. So I opened up Y8 games and played Y2K games. Avatar Sue has always been fun. Y8 games was the version of me that wasn’t so into the internet. It wasn’t an app I could download and I’d be fed ads but i’d still get the nostolgic high. Without the side effects of being thrown in the trash. You couldn’t find the site unless you searched and wanted to engage with it.
Many games with the digital art / weird graphics. Mouse reliant, horrible background music y2k unlocked. A space away from drama that was my own. One game I enjoyed was the quiet games. Where you would sneak doing things you wern’t supposed to. One game office lovers was about holding down the mouse to kiss as the boss was on the phone. But when he stopped talking you had to go, “Back to work.” Another game was about a mother who didn’t want her daughter using makeup. UGH the controls. Its where I learned to be stealthy.
I am still healing and exploring deeper feelings. Mending this healing and moving on.
Thank you everyone for being understanding with my upload schedule. I have been doing more Lives recently and have enjoyed them. Stay tuned for more content. Time to log off and watch some good Korean thrillers. Love yall. 💔
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