I remember in middle school Me and Cara had been in the graphic novel section looking at the transformation scene in, “Tokyo Mew Mew by Mia Ikumi.” I blinked wondering who the first one would be to check out the manga. I blushed not wanting to confess. Ah, “No way i’m bringing it to the librarian.” Cara smiled, “You are such a baby about it.” I pouted.
The transformation scene seemed a little um… for adults. How would the librarian know…”Cara don’t draw on…” Too late. Now I was never checking out the book. I winced as our teacher called us up for lunch to line up. I put the book back sighing. I didn’t really understand BL at the time and my love for it.
fast forward to Chase he was an annoying middle schooler, “You look like a boy..Your hairs short. what a perv.” I sat at my desk as he glared at me. He knew my crush was in the other classroom. He passed me a note. PEN15 loser. I sighed and wrote back PEN15 as a joke. We kept this up for a bit. My crush was in D&D so I joined the club. I joined the scrabble club too.
At home I had started my original youtube channel. (Not sharing it. Its pure cringe) The best comment was about me dancing. I was so proud on my Macbook Pro. So I colored the front of the laptop in sharpie. I don’t know when I began falling in love with BL.
Honestly it was the twins from the anime Ouran High School Host Club. At the time being trans and coming out was really hard. When I saw Haruhi I was like I relate. The dull ache as I watched the show was if I would ever be accepted. Would I be the pervert chase said? At the time I was into anime. I had downloaded tons of wallpaper for the tablet the cute kind. I had been introduced to Deviant art. HEH. Not something I was proud of. I deleted my channel. (Not getting into it rn)
Anime guys were romantic I had to admit they struck emotional resonance. I was shamed for it and I hid it. BL was safe in my mind. The town I was in was pretty accepting of same sex couples. Most of the guys I liked saw me as just another girl.
Recently I’ve been shocked others are open about BL. I’ve fan boyed over manhwa, manga… *Blushes* ah no. I once chatted with a guy who didn’t want me to get my nape pierced. The reason: Some dude in a BL looked hot thats why. The guy hated me for getting my dermals. Two cute dermals placed like vampire bites the back of my neck. I wish they didn’t reject. I would take a piercing over a tattoo.
As for the pain it was like being stapled with a staple gun and having it torn out and stappled again. (Don’t ask me how I know this. this is the pain I imagine it would take.) My nape a sensitive part. Only lovers would leave marks. How scandalous. In my dreams..*blushes*
I’d browse for the latest BL. It became my secret obsession my secret love. No one could touch but me. A date had asked me what Killing Stalking was, “N..no I..um i..its uh manga..” I blushed and tried to change the topic. I would walk into Kinokuniya by Bryant park, “Just these please.” She smiled as she took my internal contraband, “ID please.” I blushed and gave her my ID. Ah please no one see me. I put them in the brown paper bag and walked. How embaressing hopefully no one saw that.
The covers were very explicit. *blushes* I figited. Not that I could read these they were in japanese. I um found out I was an Omega according to the ABO universe. W..why DID I HAVE TO SAY THAT OUTLOUD. I suppose I had no shame left after my mind twirled with thoughts. The not so pop up ads thoughts.
Some partners liked I was into BL others didn’t care for it. I would scroll on my phone. Lately FB became a mine of BL content. I browsed and searched it up, “Ah here it is lets read.” I would then proceed to throw my phone mentally across the room. And then impulsively let fans know,
“ciellykitty3 days ago (edited)I tell myself to endure it. As I read…but i hate it so muchhh. W..why am I reading it. If I hate it. I told myself at chapter 30 that I should stop. But here I am chapter 46. All because of a silly recommendation on my feed its got me hooked. I..I must endure…*reads book angrily*I hate the characters I hate the plot. I want out. 😫 why am I like this. *slams the book down* I don’t want to endure it. But I should… *my fictional partner is side eyeing me* Its not a good book I swear. (Fictional partner skit) Partner: maybe stop reading it *smiles* Me: n..no I must endure Partner: I could never with your attitude. Me: *pouts keeps reading* Partner: you know I never did understand you at all until we met. Me: you reccomended this blasphemy 😤 Partner: Don’t tell me you’re reading just because I said it was a good book. Me: you promised me it would be good… Partner: I said it was good. I didn’t say it was my favorite to die for book. *side eye* Me: And thats exactly why I’ll never marry you. *keeps reading*”
All because of an anime man with Blonde..*Sighs* That sounds so bad until you look at the pattern..I totally don’t have a type..I. Even partners would tell me I had a thing for it. “No I don’t.” They would stare at me, “Because all your fave anime characters have blonde hair you do know that right?” I blushed, “Its just anime!! nothing you would understand.”
I would read hours and hours of….of course I went outside. *Hesitates* Is anyone watching? *Pulls out my phone* I just..someone reccomended this in group, “So why do you like yaoi?” I hesitated and blushed, “I like it for the a..art.” Josh commented back, “Sure you do…” I defended it to no end, “Josh..I ‘m serious I like it cause of the a..art.”
I tapped on my playlist, “Chase Atlantic Remind me.” I blushed as I put it in the background while I dived into the story. The manga came to life as the kisses and bruises….I mean it came to life…I mean… Ah. *Akward silence* N..nothing I..i said nothing. Its just a story. *Looks to the side* So um hows the weather you know um it’s gonna rain and..
“Yes he so deserved that slap after he was caught with the MC. Wait but why did the MC not think he was gonna get caught.” I laid on my pillow with the covers over me, “Ah well he wasn’t going to get that far…the partner owns…” *blushes* I noticed the time sighing. I have a few hours till I have to get up. 3:30 in the lonely top bar. 16% charge. I closed the tab. No one saw that right I mean. Ah.
I put my phone down I would have to go to the shop soon. Not till 6am to avoid crowds. I would usually put on my glittery gloss and head out for an hour. Browsing the store for….wait I’m out of. *Sighs* Put it back you don’t need it. After my friendship breakup I’ve been reading more.
It gives me relief from the akward feelings from crushes. Crushes not liking me back or telling me I was weird. I had checked out Kim Dan merch from Jinx. Honestly reminded me so much of another BL called, “*******” yeah that one. mhm. I smiled as I did my unboxing. My favorite BL was a tragic and sad one I won’t mention here, But it gives me a good cry every once in awhile.
I would hide my BL photocards in a gum case. No one would know. No one needed to know that I fell in love with BL. No one would understand how much it meant to me. Speaking of Lynx thank goodness I haven’t seen him. After the whole fiasco I’ve been able to go online and game. For those who don’t know who Lynx is. Hes from the previous post Diamond tears and Limited Edition. I’m slowly healing.
I’m glad I’ve been doing more lives recently. It really helps me come out of my shell. *Picks up a manga* Sorry guys gotta run…this art is really cool. (I have errands to run and I recently watched Alien stage.) My favorite character I might cosplay soon. I ordered some lashes. Logging off now. 💔
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